1 Year

It's crazy to think how much my life has changed in a year. To think of everything I have been through blows my mind and almost doesn't seem real. A year ago today I started dating my son's father. I don't quite know how to feel about this. I want to be happy because this last year has kicked my butt and made me stronger but I want to almost to grieve the lost of the relationship and friendship. I'm going to just live today as make new memories from now on. I have decided on instead of hseeing places or things we did and being sad that I will take the memory in and then make a new one there. I have my son and a new family, I'm a better person now.

Love , T

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy."
- Leo Buscaglia

2 Months

Wow! Time seriously flies! My little man turned 2 months old yesterday. I can’t believe that it has been this long; I know it’s not forever but I have come so far for 2 months. I have had my good days and bad ones but I always know that there is tomorrow. I have started work up again, started working out, have had tons of family come to visit and a cousin come home from his mission. I am rarely home anymore!! So since my chubbester turned a month I have had some fun times. I have gone to a Indian festival , spent a weekend at my girlfriend’s apartment with her roommates, seen movies, gone to sushi many times (I have a lot of time to make up for, ha) I have gone shooting, and have worked like crazy!!! I’m starting school soon and I am so excited. I have been hanging gout with a birth mom friend a lot and sometimes I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have her in my life. We spend a lot of time together and I love it! I was asked to be a part of a project with an adoptive mom who is a photographer.  She is having 10 birth moms and 10 adoptive families get photographed and videotaped. After she is going to make a video, to teach people about adoption. I am so excited and honored to have been asked to be apart and to help with this. My life has been so good lately and I can’t wait for the next year. I have a feeling that this summer is going to be good!!!

Love T

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t so than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

-Mark Twain

Snow Days

I love when it snows; something about it is so beautiful. Its perfect weather to write and listen to some good music. Yesterday, after a month, got to see my little guy. He is so BIG!! I couldn’t believe it!! It was also my little sisters first time meeting him. We ran around before, setting up for a party we had going on later in the night. I was so excited to see my little guy and his family. The day seemed to go on forever until I was at their house. We took lots of pictures, even got him in a St. Patrick’s Day outfit that we got earlier. My little sister gave them her little pilot outfit she got for him, its so cute!! My grandpa and his wife stopped by to meet the baby and his family as well as an aunt and uncle. After everyone left, my mom and aunt left to leave my sister and I. I made a promise to my sister that she would get her own time with him when she met him. We had such a good time holding him and taking pictures. She kept telling me how it was so strange that he was my son and that I was an “old mom”. Haha my mom and aunt came back and took just a few more pictures and we said our goodbyes and left. I spent that night with a lot of my family, celebrating March birthdays. It was so nice to see my family and spend the night having fun with everyone. When I am with family it is almost therapeutic for me. I am blessed for the amazing people I have in my life. I can only do what I can to show them how much I appreciate the little things they do for me, because they are such a big thing in my eyes. My family and my family of friends mean everything to me. You can never show them too much of how you love them and are thankful for them.

Love ,T



Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted. ~Paul Pearshall

From Gods Arms To My Arms To Yours

I was given a Cd from my aunt while I stayed at her house. It's called From Gods Arms To My Arms To Your Arms by Michael McLean. The book is amazing and there is such truth to the lyrics. There is a song from an adoptive couples view, a birth mom and an adopted child's view. It is a tender a cd. I cry everyone I listen to From Gods Arms To my Arms To Yours. It's so raw and emotional and has so much meaning and truth to me. Take a listen to it.
Love, T

A Day In My Childhood

The other day I went to the town I grew up in to go see some of my family. It is always so crazy to go back and drive around and remember all the memories. I went to my elementary school and picked up my cousin to take her on a lunch date. we went a park that was right next to the school. It felt so strange to be there because I did girls scouts at this park and would come and play here. It was fun to play with her at the park and make new memories. I went to grandparents after, it was and always is so fun to go to their house. My grandparents have been in this house since my dad was a kid. I loved growing up down the street, they had the best place to grow up. They have a huge amount of land that was filled with trees, had a pond that went all over the place,a garden,a pool, a volleyball court and even a back house. Now they have 5 houses around theirs and that back house is now a gym/spa area. I watched my cousins swim and thought of how lucky I was for the family I have and all of the fun memories I had at this house and the memories my little cousins make here. I got to spend time with my grandma and catch up with her. I'm blessed to have this amazing family who has supported me and love me. I love the knowledge that they give me and how they listen and help me with my problem and give me amazing advice. This trip down has been exactly what I needed. I got to see my family and a lot of my extended and to be able to share my feelings, have my moments of sadness and emotions with them. I have taught them as they have taught me over the last month. I am sad to leave and go home BUT very excited to start this new chapter in my life with the new me and my new, bigger family. Life is good and where it should be. I may have hard times or sad times but there is always tomorrow. Satan may tempt me and I'm sure he is going to try his hardest but this time im determined to beat him.
Love,T

You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.
- Desmond Tutu

Adoption Creed

Today i was on Pinterest, Oh SOO addictting!! I searched adoption and saw this. Its called The Adoption Creed. I think it is so beautiful and i thought i would share it.
Love, T
http://www.etsy.com/listing/56649476/adoption-creed-wall-decal-lettering-art?ref=sr_gallery_1&ga_search_submit=&ga_search_query=adoption+creed&ga_search_type=handmade&ga_facet=handmade

A Gift From God-A Birth Mothers Voice

Hey check out my friends blog about being a birth mom. She is one of the amazing woman in my life who helped me when i was pregnant. She taught me to be strong and what to expect. She is an example to me and love her and adore her.
Love, T
http://mygiftfromgod-abirthmothersvoice.blogspot.com/

1 Month Old

I know Itotally slacked on my first post and it’s been a whole month since I placed. Irealized this about an hour after I put up my post. It put everything intoreality of why I’ve been feeling the way I have. I have been so emotionally upand down the last few days. Saturday was my sons 1 month birthday, cheesy tocelebrate but I feel like it is such an accomplishment for myself. In the lastmonth I have done a lot actually. I’m scarred for the next time I have a babycause ill actually have a baby and no pain meds haha. I have been to Disneylanda couple times with my pass, so yes a drive to California after having a baby,crazy!!  Anyways, so today I’m feelinggood, nothing bad happened or negative. It’s been a positive day overall. Last nightwas hard, I have been struggling with the “what if” thoughts. What if I kept orwould if the birth father would have stepped up and took responsibility. I don’tregret my decision AT ALL! But I mean I’m bound to have these feelings and that’sokay to feel. My mother once told me something that made me appreciate thetears I cry. She said “for every tear youcry is one less tear your son will cry. You are saving him from so much pain”.This has gotten through the tough nights I’ve laid crying about my life andbeing upset about my situation. This sentence ran through my head when I washolding my son and crying him before I placed many times. For me it was a way Ireassured myself that i was doing the right thing and second that it was okayto feel the way I did. Every day is a new one, I lie in bed every night and knowthat what I didn’t do today I can do tomorrow or redo. Every day is a blessingand I have so much to be grateful for. I have a son, whom I may not have withme and I’m not raising but I have a healthy, loved son. I have an amazing family,who has supported and awesome friends. I am alive and healthy. I love goingoutside and just being there, whether I am just standing there or writing,taking a deep breath and appreciating life is something I do as often as I can.Life is hard, no doubt about it. You just have to learn to take what you haveand learn to love it or just deal with it in a positive way.

Love, T


"He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood". Desha Wood

My Story

In the last year my life has gone from one side of thespectrum to a complete different side. Through all that I have been through Ihave had a lot of opportunities to learn many things and met many people whohave touched my life. The biggest thing that has touched me is adoption. I wantto share my story of being a birth mom in an adoption process.

It starts off no different than a boy and a girl meeting. Iwas at a coffee shop when a boy caught my eye and I caught his. He came up andstarted to talk to me and we exchanged numbers. We talked a bit but I wasdating someone else at the time so I didn’t put much into it. Things didn’twork with the guy I was dating so I started to hang out with the guy I met atthe coffee shop. Things kicked off and started really good. A couple monthslater I found out I was pregnant, I was in shock. The father and I talked aboutwhat we could do and he was really excited. I told my family 3 days later andthey were all shocked and just like me had no idea what to do. My parents livedout of state and came up to help me figure things out and to move in with mysister. I started to meet with my case worker at LDS Family Services. I decidedto not tell anyone in my family besides my parents and big sister until I wasready and knew what I wanted to do. I took time from the father to myself toclear my head. We eventually broke up due and went separate ways. I started togo to church and he started to party again. We fought all the time and thestress wasn't good for me or the baby. When I was in the beginning of my secondtrimester I woke up one morning bleeding. I went to the hospital thinking I wasmiscarrying and I was so sad. The doctors said I was most likely going tomiscarriage due to stress and over working. At this point I was all for placingmy child; I wasn't expecting to have a chance of losing my baby. The thought ofnot having the choice of keeping my child and making the decision for me wasnever in my mind as happening. I realized that I needed to look into singleparenting as well as adoption. I looked into single parenting until I receivedmy answer to place my child. I had a conversation with my ex about keeping andmaking it work and the truth came out and I made my choice that night to place.I started to look at couples and get ready to meet some of them. The way eachbirth mom finds her couple is so unique and different; it is all in God's timeand specific to each birth mom.  I foundmy couple and instantly knew they were going to parent my son! I had veryspecific things that I wanted my son to grow up in, like parents in their 30s,have previously adopted kids, and have graduated from college and many more.They were all of it, even the looks he he. I met with them and wanted to tellthem right away that I chose them but decided to give myself a week to thinkabout it and that's all I gave myself. I called the adoptive mom and told her Ichose them, she was so excited and wanted to call her husband right away! Laterthat week I met them and their kids to tell them they were having a boy and Ifell more in love with them. Every time we hung out was another confirmation tome, even looking at a picture reassured me that this was my answer for me andmy son. Before I knew it I was a couple weeks out from my due date, I was soready, at least I thought I was. The last month was bitter sweet, I was souncomfortable and wanted to have this kid but at the same time this was thelast little time I had my as mine in my belly. I had 2 weeks until my due dateand just stopped working a couple days before when I woke up and my waterbroke. I was so shocked because I only had my mild period like cramping andnothing too bad. When I got to the hospital I was half way there. I had my son9 hours after I got to the hospital and after 40 minutes of pushing. He wasfinally here and I didn’t know what to do but love him and cry. I stayed in thehospital for 4 days due to some health issues and I loved every second of it. Ikept telling myself and everyone else I can sleep when I go home. I think I sleptmany 7 hours or so the whole time I was there.

The day I placed I will never forget a moment of it. It was sospecial to me and my family. I had just the right amount of time with my sonand my family to spend together. I had an adoptive mom who is a photographeroffer to come take pictures of my placement and the raw emotion of thesituation for free. I would recommend that to anyone who is doing adoption becauseas much as it hurts and how sad you are, I love my pictures and love having theactual memories to hold and look at. The placement was so natural to me and myfamily and adoptive couple. The hardest part was signing the paperwork. I haveseen my son since then and loved seeing him in his family. I get pictures oncea week or more from the couple and love it. The pain is still there and I feelit and embrace it because this process is like losing someone. You have to gothrough the grief cycle, which is okay. The first week I had at least 1 meltdown a day, some times more. I have learned so much about myself in thisjourney and want to help anyone I can and to spread the truth about adoptionfrom my angle to anyone who is willing to know. I had my birth mom supportgroup who helped me with this and answered my questions. I have the girls inthat group who were there for me and were further in the process or alreadyplaced to thank for preparing me for what was to come. If I can be half of as helpfuland loving as they were, I will fill accomplished with myself. I want to be asource for birth moms in all the stages of placing, whether be in the beginningstages of pregnancy, almost about to pop and place and after placing. I alsowant adoptive couples to be able to come to me with concerns they have goinginto adoption. This has been the hardest thing I have ever done and I willnever regret it or change it. I believe in what I did for my son to be the bestthing for him and for myself. People always say “you gave up your son?” and I simplyreply “no, he will always be my son and I gave him what I couldn’t and hedeserves the best life”. I didn’t give up my son; I gave him the best life hecould possibly have, that is a huge family to love him. The more people to loveyou the better, I think and that is what I gave him and myself. I love the newfamily I have and they are amazing people. The adoptive dad told me once “in away we are all adopted, we are God’s children and we have our earthy parents whoare simply raising us for him and that with adoption we are just joining twofamilies. We are like a blended family”. When he said this it really clickedfor me and my family because we are a blended family and I wouldn’t have mylife any other way then how it is now.

Love, T